ohwells..

Just when i start to realise my feelings for you, you stopped me in time

im glad, really glad

as long as yur happy,
i will respect your decision like how i always do it
& give you my fullest sincere blessing
(:

me, pathetic .

I fell while trying hard to move on again

its been a long tiring journey

but who is going to lend a hand and pick me up..?

...

well, ultimately,
its still me,
who needs to be determined,
who needs to drop that bundle which has been through thick-n-thin tgt all along,
in order to move a greater distance.

i tried hard, im tired.
im almost tired of myself


...
...
...

how can i expect supports and encouragements when i tell no-one

but i shant remain stagnant and whine

i will cover up my wound, pick myself off the ground, and continue my journey

sorrowful thoughts in me

I failed ..

I would always failed so badly when it comes to relationship ..

Why am I still missing and yearning in my heart ..
I've told myself, I shouldnt go bak in time because the same old hurtful thing would appear.

I shouldnt i shouldnt and i must not return back to him.
Till now, thinking of the heartbreaking scene, would still make me weeps.
but , the fact is , no matter how much pain i endured , i still care for him and miss him much .

I have tried hard to cover up, and i think i succeeded.
I argued, gave the non-chalant behaviour and being cold to him. but everytime i did those actions, i really really dont feel good inside .
I dont want to return and i want him not to love me anymore.
but .. do i really wish for this ...? do i really love him ?

he gonna be in ns soon, yet i still being confused, stubborn, and naive.
i am really really confused .. i dont think anyone can guide me ..
i miss him and i yearn badly for him .

no . wait . i should be more defensive and protective of myself and my heart ..
each and everyday i would ask myself, what exactly are my feelings for him?
i could get no answers and then i will get fustrated because i cant get an answer from myself everyday ..
.....
...........
...........

I think this is why i could not be truely happy .
Each time when i am doing nothing, he goes running hard in my mind .. thus i would always keep myself very busy .
I am going to be 19 soon for godness sake, why am i still not decisive and matured enough to handle this ..
It seems like a dead knot to me . cannot be un-tangled ...
i am really really very confused

................
................
................
................


I miss him
I think of him
I care for him
I am always concern about him
I want his present to be around
and his embrace

But ..

I dont want myself to be hurt anymore
I dont want him to be deeply in love with me for i am confused
I want to protect my heart
I am not ready to fall hard I am not ready for another relationship
I am still crying over the heartbreaking moment
I want to move on

My heart still hurts badly
I have no shield
My bestie is not with me
To be honest, nobody supported me when i fall hard down for i cover up my feelings and hide myself when i really burst down

I dont want friends to worry and sympathise for me
it's not about my pride, and never will, it is just me..
i like to bring positive aura to people, want them to be happy and not sad for me ...

does . anyone knows .. how much i have endured and trying hard to tolerate the pain ?
does really anyone knows ? or should i say i bring this upon myself...
the overwhelming confused feelings in me ..
is really terrible .

confused, contradicting, confused, contradicting, confused, contradicting ..


Just when i am determined to move on, you came back for me ..
the feeling really really ... is just so ... so ....... idk what to say ... its just make me feeling mix and lost I really .. dont know what to do .

all i know is , even if i am trying to move on, your part of my life already though we are apart .

dont even know what is the exact thing that i am crying always for .
im such an epic failure .